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英語小笑話開心一刻
幽默的人不僅僅會說笑話，還要懂得他人說的笑話，日常笑話笑一笑，不僅可以使自己心情愉悅，還可拉近與他人的距離。這里小編收集整理了英語小笑話開心一刻，來測試一下你的幽默細胞的指數有多高吧!
英語小笑話開心一刻 1
1."Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?" The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
"法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多么不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認路。而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。"
法官看了看被告，問道："你會說多少英文?" 被告抬起頭，說："把你的錢包給我!"
2.A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said, "What?"
丈夫給妻子看了一項調查結果，為了向她證明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000個字，而女人每天使用30000個。
妻子想了一會兒說，女人每天說的字數是男人的`兩倍，因為她們必須重復已經說過的話。 他問："什么?"
3.Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
男孩：這個座位是空的么?
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。
4."Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
"湯姆，你弟弟怎么了?" 媽媽在廚房里問。
"他在哭。" "沒事兒，媽媽，" 湯姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因為我不給他吃。"
"他已經吃完自己的了么?"
"是的。" "我幫他吃完時，他也哭了。"
英語小笑話開心一刻 2
1.A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
路人甲對路人乙說，"猜猜我兜里有幾個子兒?"
路人乙說："我猜對了，你能給我一個不?"
路人甲說："你要猜對了，我兩個全部給你!"
2."I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."
一個教師在研究生工程學課堂上說："我一眼就能看出來哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我說'下午好'的時候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生則把這句話記在本子上。"
3.Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
史密斯小姐發現她的一名學生在操場上向別人做鬼臉，便去輕責他。
這位主日學校的老師甜甜地微笑著，說："博比，我小的時候，有人告訴我如果我做鬼臉，我的臉就會僵硬，永遠都那么丑。"
博比抬頭看了看老師，說："史密斯小姐，你可別說沒人警告過你啊。"
4.A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."
一名男子帶著朋友去探望他的祖母。
當他和祖母聊天時，他的.朋友開始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都給吃光了。 他們離開時，他的朋友對祖母說:"謝謝您的花生。"
結果祖母說:"唉!自從我牙齒掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外層的巧克力了。"
英語小笑話開心一刻 3
A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy' and the other is ‘swell'. Would you promise me that?
Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?
一個非常和藹的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。我親愛的，老夫人說，我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞，一個是“討厭的'”，另一個是“極好的”。你能答應我嗎？
噢，當然，奶奶。女孩說：是哪兩個詞？
英語小笑話開心一刻 4
About to be shipped out on a long tour of duty over-seas,I had called my wife from a coin-operated telephone at an Army camp on the West Coast.As I walked away,the phone rang,and I answered it,expecting to be told of extra charges."I thought you'd like to know,"the operator said,"that just after you hung up,the woman said,'I love you."
即將因工作遠征出海，我就在西海岸軍營地用一個投幣電話給我的妻子撥了個電話。我剛要離開，電話鈴響了。我估計是讓我交超時費，所以只好去接。接話員說:“我想你可能想知道，你剛掛斷電話，那個女的就說‘我愛你'�！�
英語小笑話開心一刻 5
Mum: Baby, what's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
Baby: One is big and one is small.
Mum: Anything else?
Baby: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
媽媽：猴子和跳蚤有什么不同呢？
兒子：它們倆一大一小。
媽媽：還有呢？
兒子：猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。
英語小笑話開心一刻 6
Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once,the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!
彼得十八歲那年參了軍，他需要參加幾個月的`學習以成為一名好士兵。彼得在其他方面都做得很好，但是射擊不行。一天他和伙伴們練習射擊，除了彼得其他人都沒有問題。他射了九次，一次也沒有命中目標。這時，教新兵射擊的教官說：彼得，你看來是沒希望了，不要連最后一發子彈都浪費掉！去那堵墻后面用它向自己打一槍吧。
Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot.
彼得感到非常慚愧。他走到那堵墻后面。幾分鐘后，教官和新兵們聽到一聲槍響。
Heavens! The officer said. Has that silly man really shot himself?
上帝！教官叫起來，難道那個笨蛋真的朝自己開槍了？
He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. I'm sorry, sir, he said, but I missed again.
他急忙跑到那堵墻后面，發現彼得安然無恙。對不起，長官，他說，我還是沒有命中。
英語小笑話開心一刻 7
A man goes to church and starts talking to God.
He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", than the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" .
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話。他問："主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答："一便士"，男子又問："那一百萬年呢?"上帝說："一秒鐘"，最后男子請求道："上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答："過一秒鐘"。
英語小笑話開心一刻 8
The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"
一個女學生坐在座位上，嘴里起勁地嚼著口香糖，腳卻伸到課桌間的走道里，被老師發現了。“瑪麗!”老師嚴厲地叫她�！笆裁词拢蠋�?”這女學生問。“把口香糖從嘴里拿出來，把腳放進去�！�
英語小笑話開心一刻 9
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎?
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
英語小笑話開心一刻 10
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? Did you cry?
Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!
六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的`父親知道這一點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。
約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他并問道：學校怎么樣?你過的好嗎?哭了沒有?
哭?約翰問，不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。
英語小笑話開心一刻 11
When we work evenings .we often order take-out food at the office.One night we all gave our orders to Sharon, who wrote the selections on a self-stick note. Unable to find our list when she arrived at the fastfood restaurant, Sharon stepped up to the counter. But before she could speak, the cashier recited the exact order. " How could you possibly know that?"asked Sharon.
在我晚上上夜班的辦公室，大家常常訂些外賣食品來吃。一天夜里，我們都找沙倫訂了食品。她把訂單列在一張不干膠的紙條上。等她到了飯店時，怎么也找不到那張訂單了。沙倫走到柜臺前，還沒等她說話，收銀員就背出了所有大家訂的東西。沙倫問:“你怎么會知道這些的.呢?”
"Tt's right there," replied the cashier,"stuck to your chest."
“它就在這兒，”收銀頁說:“貼在了你的胸前�！�
英語小笑話開心一刻 12
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go Slow" .
老師：湯姆，你為什么每天上學遲到？
湯姆：我每次路過拐角，一個路標上面寫著：“學�！小�。
英語小笑話開心一刻 13
Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.
When Tommy came back,mother asked him,”Did you buy a good box of matches?”
“Yes,Mum.”Tommy replied,”I have tried them all.”
媽媽讓湯米去馬路對面的商店里買一盒好用的`火柴。
湯米回來后，媽媽問他，“你買的是好用的火柴嗎？”
“是的，媽媽。”湯米回答，“我把它們都試過了�！�
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