英語笑話14個
無論在學習、工作或是生活中，大家一定沒少看到過話語吧，話語是指與社會權力關系相互纏繞的具體言語方式。想發話語卻總是不知道怎么組織語言？下面是小編為大家收集的英語笑話，供大家參考借鑒，希望可以幫助到有需要的朋友。
英語笑話 1
吝嗇鬼的餐會
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終于決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了后，再用你的`腳把門推開�！�
“為什么我要用我的肘和腳呢?”
“天哪!” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空著手來吧?”
英語笑話 2
心不在焉的丈夫
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination. At last he succeeded.
我陪丈夫一起出差，他帶著他的.筆記本電腦。到了機場出口處時， 有位檢查員要他打開包。但是包鎖上了，機場工作人員耐心地等著我那窘迫的丈夫設法回想起暗鎖的密碼。最后他終于想起來了。
“Why are you so nervous?"I asked him.
”你為什么那么緊張呢？“我問他。
"The numbers are the date of our annivorsary．my husband confessed.
“密碼是我們的結婚紀念日�！彼姓J道”
你太晚了 You are too late 幽默笑話
英語笑話 3
I Wasnt Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasnt asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我沒有睡著
當一群婦女上車之后，車上的座位全都被占滿了。售票員注意到一名男子好象是睡著了，他擔心這個人會坐過站，就用肘輕輕地碰了碰他，說：“先生，醒醒！”
“我沒有睡著�！蹦莻�男人回答。
“沒睡著？可是你眼睛都閉上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已�！�
英語笑話 4
The poor husband
"You cant imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可憐的.丈夫
“你根本無法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的難，”一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，“她問我一個問題，然后自己回答了，過后又花半個小時跟我解釋為什么我的答案是錯的。”Where is the father?
英語笑話 5
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父親在哪兒？
兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。
“看，”哥哥說，“這些畫多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟說道，“可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？”
哥哥想了會兒，然后解釋道：“很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。”
英語笑話 6
Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"Its all right," said a gentleman, "dont be afraid. Dont you know the proverb: Barking dogs dont bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道這個諺語嗎？
一個小男孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。
“沒有關系，”一位先生說，“不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：‘吠狗不咬人�！�
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？”
英語笑話 7
一 Can we have our teacher back？
Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"
能讓我們的老師回去嗎？
有一次，一位督學去視察一個只有三間教室的學校。一間教室非常吵鬧，因此督學抓住其中一個正在站著說話的人，把他帶進另一間教室，并讓他站在墻角。五分鐘以后，一個小男孩從第一間教室走進來，問道，“您什么時候能讓我們的'老師回去呢？”
英語笑話 8
Whos More Polite?
A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.
誰更有禮貌？
一個胖子和一個瘦子在爭論誰更有禮貌。瘦子說他更有禮貌，因為他經常對女士摘帽示意。但是胖子認為他更有風度，因為無論什么時候他在車上給別人讓座時，總有兩位女士能坐下。
英語笑話 9
Expensive Price
Dentist: Im sorry, madam, but Ill have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your sons tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
昂貴的'代價
牙科醫生：對不起，夫人，為給您的兒子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。
母親：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一顆牙只要五美元呀？
牙科醫生：是的。但是您兒子這么大聲地叫喚，他都嚇跑四位病人了
英語笑話 10
Computer problem 電腦問題
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packards DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldnt solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges， and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper?"
我在惠普公司打印機部做技術支持工作已經有一個月了，有一天我接到一位客戶的電話，她的問題我沒辦法解決。她的問題是：打印機不能打出來黃色，但是其它顏色都正常。這讓我覺得很納悶，因為三原色就是藍、紅、黃。我建議客戶更換墨盒、刪了驅動程序然后重新安裝，但是都沒有效果。我咨詢同事們，他們也不知道該怎么辦。經過兩個多小時的`交涉，我打算讓客戶把打印機寄給我們，這時候她平靜地說了一句：“我是不是應該把這張黃紙扔了換一張白紙再打印試試�！�
英語笑話 11
確認
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"
兩個獵人在森林里打獵，突然一人暈倒了。他的呼吸停止，眼神呆滯。另外一個人掏出手機，撥打911。
“我想我的.朋友死了！”他喊道，“我該怎么辦？”
接線員說：“請冷靜。首先，請確認他是否真的死了。”接著一陣沉寂，然后是一聲槍響。回到電話中，獵人接著說：“好了，然后呢？”
英語笑話 12
三只烏龜
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.
三只烏龜決定去喝咖啡。
Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
它們剛到咖啡店的門口，就下起雨來。
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go home and get the umbrella."
于是最大的那只烏龜對最小的烏龜說，“你回家去取傘吧�！�
The little turtle replied, "I will, if you dont drink my offee."
最小的`烏龜說，“如果你們不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去�！�
"We wont," the other two promised.
“我們不喝，”另外兩只烏龜答應說。
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isnt coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee."
兩年后，大烏龜對中烏龜說，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回來了，我們可以把它的咖啡喝掉了�！�
Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I wont go."
正在這時，一個聲音從門外傳來，“你們要是喝了，我就不去�！�
英語笑話 13
Three Surgeons
Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist."
"Thats nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."
"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horses posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."
三個外科醫生
三個有名的外科醫生正在吹噓他們的.技術�！耙粋�人斷了一只手，他來找我，”一個說，“如今那個人是個音樂會的小提琴手�！�
“這算不了什么，”另一個說�！耙粋�家伙兩條腿斷了，他來找我，我將它們接了回去。如今，那人是馬拉松選手。”
“我比你們兩個都強，”第三個說，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的車禍。除了一個馬屁股，和一幅眼睛，什么都沒有留下。如今，那人坐在美國參議院里�！�
英語笑話 14
Clever Bobby
聰明的博比
Brown was very proud of his young son. Once he was talking to a visitor, telling the man how clever his son was.
布朗非常欣賞他的小兒子。一次他和一位客人聊他的兒子有多聰明。 布朗說：“他只有兩歲，就認識所有的動物了。他長大一定會是一個出色的自然學家。來，我讓你看看�！�
"The boy is only two years old," he said, "and knows all animals. Hes going to be a great naturalist. Here, let me show you."
布朗說：“他只有兩歲，就認識所有的動物了。他長大一定會是一個出色的自然學家。來，我讓你看看�！�
He took a book of natural history from the bookshelf, placed Bobby on his knee, opened the book and showed him a picture of a giraffe(長頸鹿).
他從書架上拿下一本自然書，把博比抱到膝上，打開書。指著一張長頸鹿的畫片。
"Whats that, Bobby?"
“博比，這是什么?”
"Horsey," said Bobby. Next of a tiger was shown, and Bobby said, "Pussy." Then Brown showed Bobby a picture of lion, and Bobby said, "Doggy." And when a picture of a chimpanzee was shown, Bobby said, "Daddy!"
“馬馬，”博比回答。 他又指了一張老虎的'畫片，博比回答說：“貓咪�！� 然后布朗又指了一張獅子的畫片，博比說：“狗狗�！� 他又指了一張黑猩猩的畫片，博比說：“爸爸!”
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