爆笑幽默笑話(huà)小故事
爆笑幽默笑話(huà)小故事一：
這樣也行啊
我有一二貨哥們，在上地鐵的時(shí)候被一女的踩腳了，我那哥們不等那女的道歉就開(kāi)罵了!結(jié)果兩人越吵越厲害，我那哥們兒就要?jiǎng)邮�。那女的一看要打她就說(shuō)了句：“君子動(dòng)口不動(dòng)手!”我那二貨哥們兒上去就親了那女的一口后說(shuō)：“我這是動(dòng)口要是動(dòng)手你就躺床上了!”說(shuō)完一轉(zhuǎn)頭下車(chē)! 說(shuō)的我都醉了。
重點(diǎn)不一樣
去年女朋友劈腿和一個(gè)猥瑣男在一起了，前天那男的來(lái)消息說(shuō)下個(gè)月就要和她結(jié)婚了，然后對(duì)我各種諷刺!怒火中燒啊，但是本著內(nèi)涵段子的精神我還是淡定的回了他句：有什么了不起的你只是上了我前女友而已，但是我上過(guò)你老婆!
你爺爺
A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather."
一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一進(jìn)飯店就大聲嚷嚷：“喂，有什么好菜盡管端上來(lái)，錢(qián)多少我不在乎。”服務(wù)員聽(tīng)了很不是滋味：“哥兒們，錢(qián)多頂個(gè)屁，你不照樣得做別人的兒子，就是有人要你做孫子你也不敢不做!”年青人勃然大怒：“誰(shuí)敢占老子的便宜?你說(shuō)，是誰(shuí)不要命了，膽敢要老子做他的孫子?”服務(wù)員慢條斯理地答道：“你爺爺!”
她要買(mǎi)什么
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer. No, ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting soon.Horrified, the manager came runningover to the customer and said, Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never, never, never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's coming.Now what was it she wanted? Rain, said the clerk.
一個(gè)商店經(jīng)理聽(tīng)見(jiàn)一個(gè)店員對(duì)顧客說(shuō)：不，夫人，這會(huì)兒沒(méi)有，一時(shí)半會(huì)兒看來(lái)也不會(huì)有。經(jīng)理驚恐萬(wàn)分地跑到顧客跟前說(shuō)：當(dāng)然，馬上就會(huì)有的。我們上周訂了貨。然后經(jīng)理把店員拉到一邊：千萬(wàn)，千萬(wàn)，千萬(wàn)不要說(shuō)我們沒(méi)有什么，說(shuō)我們已經(jīng)訂了貨，貨馬上就到�，F(xiàn)在你說(shuō)她要買(mǎi)什么? 雨，店員說(shuō)。
現(xiàn)在幾點(diǎn)了
The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."
"How will that help?" said the second boy.
"Just do it," insisted the first.
Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"
兩個(gè)男孩子在后院露營(yíng)，他們不知道到了晚上幾點(diǎn)鐘。于是，一個(gè)男孩對(duì)另外一個(gè)說(shuō)：“我們開(kāi)始大聲唱歌就行了。”
“那就會(huì)知道時(shí)間嗎?”第二個(gè)男孩問(wèn)。
“只管唱吧。”第一個(gè)堅(jiān)持道。
兩個(gè)孩子開(kāi)始大聲唱歌，過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)鄰居打開(kāi)窗戶(hù)喊道：“小聲點(diǎn)!你們不知道現(xiàn)在是凌晨三點(diǎn)嗎?”
是我把他晾干
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.
"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."
Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天，他們沿著醫(yī)院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區(qū)，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潛到水底，把Jim拉了上來(lái)。
當(dāng)院長(zhǎng)聽(tīng)聞了Mary的英勇行為后，他立刻翻看了她的病歷檔案,把她叫進(jìn)了自己的辦公室.
“Mary，我有一個(gè)好消息和一個(gè)壞消息要告訴你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，這說(shuō)明你的意識(shí)已經(jīng)恢復(fù)了，你可以出院了。壞消息就是，Jim，你救的.那個(gè)病人，他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。”
Mary說(shuō)：“他沒(méi)有自殺，是我把他吊起來(lái)好讓他晾干。”
省一半的煤
A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"
一位精明的家庭主婦聽(tīng)人說(shuō)有一種爐子用起來(lái)可以比她現(xiàn)在用的爐子省一半的煤。她聽(tīng)了大為興奮，說(shuō)：“那太好了!一個(gè)爐子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我買(mǎi)兩個(gè)爐子的話(huà)，不就可以把煤全都省下來(lái)了嗎?”
是不是大爺理解錯(cuò)了
馬路上，老大爺騎車(chē)不慎蹭到了社會(huì)青年的座駕， 車(chē)身出現(xiàn)少許劃痕。青年大罵老大爺并讓大爺賠錢(qián)， 老大爺急得直哭。這時(shí)人群中一個(gè)好心的老大媽小聲對(duì)大爺說(shuō)：“大爺你躺下，你懂的......”老大爺漲紅了臉，憤怒地回道：“懂你妹啊，都什么時(shí)候了你還想那個(gè)......”
爆笑幽默笑話(huà)小故事二：
這小姐太犀利了
一朋友去找小姐完事后點(diǎn)了根煙他為了避免尷尬就想和小姐聊天問(wèn)道：“你出來(lái)干這個(gè)你家人知道嗎?” 小姐：“那你出來(lái)干我你家人知道嗎?”
舔和含不算吃
老婆和老公在床上看電視，老婆在床上吃零食。老公：能不能別在床上吃東西?老婆：好吧，我以后絕對(duì)不在床上吃東西了。老公：老婆，我錯(cuò)了。
孩子你的表述能力很強(qiáng)
女兒：“媽媽媽媽?zhuān)乙嬖V你件事。”媽媽?zhuān)?ldquo;什么事?”女兒：“那天我看到爸爸和劉阿姨在床上…”媽媽打斷：“等下，等你爸回來(lái)再當(dāng)面說(shuō)!”爸爸回，媽媽?zhuān)?ldquo;說(shuō)吧”! 女兒：“媽媽?zhuān)翘煳铱吹桨职趾蛣⒁淘诖采献瞿愫屯跏迨褰?jīng)常做的事…”爸爸媽媽?zhuān)?ldquo;臥槽…”
節(jié)操碎一地
今天早上看一妹子的簽名：屁股痛，腿痛，腰痛。我想都沒(méi)想就回：昨晚你都玩了哪些姿勢(shì)啊?一會(huì)下面的跟帖都是滿(mǎn)滿(mǎn)的贊啊!說(shuō)好的節(jié)操呢?
幫忙扶一下
某同學(xué)到養(yǎng)老院學(xué)雷鋒，帶著一個(gè)六十多歲的大爺上廁所，大爺顫顫巍巍的解開(kāi)褲子，對(duì)他說(shuō)：過(guò)來(lái)扶一下。他趕緊過(guò)去幫忙，事后，大爺教育同學(xué)：下次讓你扶，你扶我就行，那個(gè)我自己會(huì)扶....
沒(méi)辦法，這是宿命
戴女士和李女士同時(shí)追我，我選擇了戴女士，李女士問(wèn)：“為什么?”我說(shuō)：“沒(méi)辦法，這是宿命。”她不服氣：“哪里有什么宿命!”我說(shuō)：“有，不信你跟著我讀，得…愛(ài)…戴!這不…得愛(ài)…戴嘛!”她說(shuō)：“就因?yàn)檫@個(gè)嗎?”我說(shuō)：“不是，還有她的胸……大啊!”
大姨媽一來(lái)都有陰影了
大姨媽來(lái)去廁所換姨媽巾，特意挑著上課的點(diǎn)去，沒(méi)想到一會(huì)兒一群一年級(jí)的小朋友來(lái)上廁所，突然聽(tīng)到一個(gè)小女孩大叫：“音樂(lè)老師撒尿撒出血來(lái)了。”頓時(shí)好多孩子都很擔(dān)心的跑我面前問(wèn)我：“你怎么了?”啊，想死的心都有了，現(xiàn)在大姨媽一來(lái)上廁所都有陰影了。
有這么嚴(yán)重嗎
游泳課上老師說(shuō)：“今天全部都要下水。”一同學(xué)說(shuō)：“老師我還沒(méi)太學(xué)會(huì)，可不可以不下去。”老師說(shuō)：“不下水的待會(huì)點(diǎn)名冊(cè)上把名字刪除。”同學(xué)說(shuō)：“下水了我家里的戶(hù)口本就把我劃掉了!”
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