精選英語幽默笑話
在日常的學習、工作、生活中，大家一定沒少看笑話吧，笑話故事的主旨是教人勇敢、熱情、善良、樂觀、慈愛，反對卑鄙、怯懦、邪惡、虛偽。還記得都學過哪些笑話故事嗎？以下是小編整理的英語幽默笑話，歡迎閱讀，希望大家能夠喜歡。
寫給上帝的信
A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.
有個小男孩非常需要50美元，他為此禱告了數周但是什么也沒發生。后來，他決定寫封信向上帝索要這50美元。郵局接到這封信，想了想覺得還是應該交給總統比較好�？偨y被逗笑了，于是指示秘書寄給小男孩5美元，因為他覺得5美元對于一個小孩來講已經是不少了。小男孩收到了錢很高興，給上帝回了一封感謝信，信里寫道：尊敬的上帝，非常感謝你把錢寄給我。然而，我發現這些錢是通過白宮寄出的，因此，和往常一樣，那幫家伙收了我45美元的稅。
Akimbo (叉腰)
Just like most of other kids, aged two Emilia didn t like washing hands──she s always wiping the dirt off hands on her clothes. One day I accompanied her to have fried cicadae(蟬). Habitually she rubbed her grease fingers on her real silk short gown. I held back (阻擋) her from doing it: " What do you want to do?" She was immediately on to (意識)her blame, replied at ease(從容): " I m akimbo."
像大多數別的小孩一樣，兩歲艾咪麗雅不愛洗手，吃東西弄臟手，隨便在身上一抹就得了。一天我正陪她吃炸知了，她手上的油多了，便習慣地往真絲小褂子上蹭，我阻止道：“你想干什么?”她馬上意識到問題所在，從容答道：“我叉腰�！�
年少無知
Jimmy is three years old.
吉米3歲了。
One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, "Mum, mum, come close the window!"
一天，他正在窗口觀望，夜幕降臨。他突然喊道：“媽媽，媽媽，快來關窗!”
"Why? Its not cold, sonny."
“為什么?天不冷呀，寶貝�！�
"Yes, mum, but the night will come inside."
“是的，媽媽，可黑夜會進來�！�
I dont think I know
Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
John: "What do you think it is, sir?"
Teacher: "I dont think, I KNOW!"
John: "I dont think I know either, sir!"
老師：“John，動詞ring的過去分詞是什么?”。
約翰：“你想它是什么呢”?
老師：“我不用想，我知道!”。
約翰：“我想我不知道”。
香蕉用英語怎么說?
“閨女，香蕉用英語怎么說?”“banana!”“蘋果呢?”“iPhone!”“那大蘋果呢?”“iPad!”
Mushroom and Toadstool 蘑菇與毒蕈
Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool(毒菌) ?Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.
年少的童子軍：我怎樣才能把蘑菇和毒蕈區別開呢?年長的童子軍：上床前吃一個。如果你第二天早上醒來，那就是蘑菇。
我沒有看到另外一塊
Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.
媽媽：約翰尼，我今天早上在櫥子里放了兩塊點心�，F在就剩下一塊了。你能解釋一下嗎?約翰尼：嗯，我想是因為里面太黑我沒看到另外那塊。
魔鬼的妹夫
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
一位婦人發現丈夫回家的時候總是爛醉如泥，她決定為丈夫治好這個毛病。一個萬圣節夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戲服，躲在樹后，準備在丈夫返家時攔截他的去路。
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
當丈夫走近時，她從樹后跳出來，站到他面前，頭上帶著紅色的羊角、身后有長長的尾巴，手中握著鋼叉。
"Who are you?" he asked.
“你是誰?”丈夫問到。
"Im the Devil!" she responded.
“我是魔鬼!”她回答到。
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫說，“我娶了你的姐妹!”
最丑的孩子?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen."
一位女士抱著她的寶寶上公交車，司機看到后說：“額，那是我這輩子見過的最丑的小孩�！�
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, Ill hold your monkey for you."
女士走到車廂后面坐下，感到很憤怒。她對旁邊的男士說：“司機剛剛羞辱了我。”男士回應說：“你快上去斥責他。去吧，我替你抱著你的猴子。”
A Man of Actions
A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”
A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.
Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”
He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”
一群學生聚在牛津的校園里，一個年輕人情緒激動地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那個家伙不收回他今早 對我說的話，我今晚就離開牛津�！�
下面一片喧嘩�！罢媸莻�言出必行的人�！币粋�人艷羨地說。另一個說：“我們要支持他、學習他。”
突然，一個女孩問道：“那家伙對你說什么了，霍波?”
他彎下腰小聲說：“哦，呃…呃…，，呃…他說要我今晚從牛津滾出去�！�
If I Am a Manager
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.
一天課上，老師要同學們以“如果我是一個經理”為題寫一篇作文。
所有的學生都在動筆寫了，只有一個男生例外。老師走過去問他為什么不寫。
“我在等我的秘書”。那孩子答道。
Isn’t it wonderful?
"What are you so happy about?"a woman asked the 98-year-old man.
"I broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck."
"I know." he said, beaming,"Isn’t it wonderful?"
這難道不好嗎?
“你高興什么?”一個女士問一個98歲的老人。
“我打碎了一個鏡子�！彼卮稹�
“但那預示著7年的壞運氣。”
“我知道。”他高興地說，“這難道不好嗎?”
吝嗇鬼的餐會
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終于決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了后，再用你的腳把門推開�！�
“為什么我要用我的肘和腳呢?”
“天哪!” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空著手來吧?”
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
中間戰術
三個互相爭生意的商店老板在一條商業街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。
右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”
左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”
中間的商人隨后準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。
Very Pleased to Meet You
During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.
One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.
Then his letters stopped, but she received onefromanother officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.
Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."
"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.
"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."
"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"
在第二次世界大戰中，有許多年輕的婦女在軍營中服役。瓊.飛利浦斯是其中之一。她在一個大軍營中工作，當然遇到了許多男士，包括軍官和士兵。
一天晚上她在舞會上遇到了軍官漢弗雷斯。他對她說，“我明天就要出國，但如果我們能夠相互寫信，我會很高興�！杯偼饬�，于是他們幾個月里一直通著信。
后來，他再沒有來信。她收到了另一個軍官的信，告訴她，他受傷了，住在英格蘭的某個部隊醫院里。
瓊到了醫院，她對護士長說，“我來看望軍官漢弗雷斯。”
“這里只有親屬可以探望病人�！弊o士長說。
“噢，是的，”瓊說，“我是他的妹妹�！�
“很高興認識你，”護士長說，“我是他的母親。”
Two Soldiers
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s namewas George, and the second one‘s namewas Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
軍營里有二名士兵，一個叫喬治，一個叫比爾。喬治問：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”
比爾說：“有�！比缓蟀研偶埡托欧饨o了喬治。
喬治又說：“我還沒有筆呢�！北葼栍职炎约旱墓P給了他。喬治開始寫信。寫完后把信放進信封里，又問：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。
這時比爾站起來，向門口走去。喬治問：“你要出去嗎?”
比爾說：“是的。”隨即打開了門。
喬治說：“請幫我把這封信投進辦公室的信箱里，還有...”他停住了。
“你還要什么?”比爾問。
喬治看著信封說：“你女朋友的地址是-?”
Five Months Older
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘sfamily name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
大五個月
第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。
可約翰的哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。
“你多大了?”軍醫問。
“十八，長官�！奔s翰說。
“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”
約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月�！�
West Point
My father, brother and Ivisited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attendWest Point."
One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed bynot coming to West Point."
父親、哥哥和我到西點軍校去觀看一場陸軍與波士頓大學之間的橄欖球賽。開始之前，我們到處轉了轉，碰到許多穿著整齊制服的學員。幾名游客問新兵是否愿意擺出軍姿來讓他們攝�！昂米屛覀兊膬鹤又�，如果他到西點軍校來學習會得到什么�！�
一對中年夫婦走近一名非常漂亮的女學員，問她是否愿意擺個姿勢照相。他們解釋說：“我們想讓兒子知道他沒來西點軍校錯過了什么�！�
Present for Girlfriend
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engraveher nameon it?" the jeweler asked.
The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."
送給女友的禮物
在一家珠寶店里，一位年輕人買了一個貴重的小金盒作為送給女友的禮物�！耙野阉拿挚淘谏厦鎲�?”珠寶商問道。
那名顧客想了一會兒，然后說道：“不--在上面刻‘給我唯一的愛’。這樣，如果我們鬧崩了，我還可以再用到它�！�
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