最爆笑的英語笑話
笑話一般比較短小，喜劇性很強(qiáng)，普遍存在于人們的日常生活中。笑話的娛樂作用可以減輕人的心理壓力，促進(jìn)身體健康。以下是小編精心收集了最爆笑的英語笑話，供大家欣賞學(xué)習(xí)！
最爆笑的英語笑話1
An Unwelcome Honor
A doctor came into the hospital ward and said to Mr.Johnson, "I have some good news and some bad news for you."
Then Mr.Johnson said, "Please, give me the good news first."
So the doctor said, "The doctors here are going to name an incurable disease after you."
寧可不要的榮耀
一位醫(yī)生走進(jìn)醫(yī)院的病房，告訴強(qiáng)森先生：“我有一個好消息和一個壞消息要告訴你�！�
強(qiáng)森先生說：“請先告訴我好消息吧!”
醫(yī)生說：“本院的醫(yī)師決定用你的名字，來為一種不治之癥命名。”
A Lesson In Reading
I had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual，and could hardly read.There was a book used by the learners in reading called“Dialogues between a Missionary and an Indian”，It was a poor performance，full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces.The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school，the master standing behind him.
The lesson was to begin.The poor fellow，whose great fault lay in a deep toned drawl of his syllable and the omission of his stops，stood half looking at the book，and half casting his eye towarcJs the right of him，whence the blows were to proceed.The master looked over him，and his hand was ready.I am not exact in my quotation at this distance of time;but the spirit of one of the passages that I recollect was to the following purport，and thus did the teacher and his pupil proceed:
Master:Now，young man，have a care;or I’II set you a swinging task.(A common phrase of his.)
Pupil faking a sort of heavy bolt at his calamity，and never remembering his stop at the word“Missionary"):Missionary Can you see the wind?(Master gives him a slap on the cheek.)
Pupil (raising his voice to a cry, and still forgetting his stop):Indian No!
Master:Zounds，young man ! have a care，how you provoke me
Pupil (always forgetting the stop):Missionary How then do you know that there is such a thing? (Here a terrible thump.)
Pupil(with a shout of agony):Indian Because I feel it.
一節(jié)誦讀課
當(dāng)年我有個同學(xué)，入學(xué)比常規(guī)的年齡要遲，而且?guī)缀跬耆粫x書。那時有個學(xué)生用的閱讀課本，叫做《傳教士和印第安人的對話》。課本不怎么樣，盡是不得要領(lǐng)的論說和一些老生常談。那孩子常常手拿該課本出現(xiàn)在學(xué)校中央，身后站著教師。
授課即將開始。那可憐的學(xué)生的毛病在于他讀音節(jié)時語調(diào)深沉地拖長腔并略去應(yīng)有的停頓。他站立著，三心二意地看著書，一面向身子右邊瞄去，因為打擊將會來自那個方向。教師盯視著他，手已擺出了打人的架勢。因為時隔已久，我的引述可能不很確切，但就我所憶，先生和學(xué)生的一次對話的要旨大致如下:
老師:“年輕人，小心點;要不我可要讓你狠狠吃點苦頭�！�(這是他的口頭禪。)
學(xué)生:(大難臨頭，身體猛然一搖閃，根本記不得在“傳教士”一詞后應(yīng)該停頓。)“傳教士你能看見風(fēng)嗎?”(教師扇了他一耳光。)
學(xué)生:(提高了嗓音，幾乎是在哭喊，但仍不記得要停頓)“印第安人不能啊!”
教師:“該死!年輕人，小心點別惹我發(fā)火!”
學(xué)生:(一如既往漏掉停頓)“傳教士那你怎么知道有這樣一種東西呢?”(這時來了重重一擊。)
學(xué)生:(痛苦地叫喊)“印第安人因為我感覺到了�！�.
Good intentions
One day a boy came to his teacher and said:"Teacher，my dad wants to know if you like roast pig.”
"I certainly do，”said the teacher, "And you tell your father he is very kind to think of me.”
Days passed，and nothing more was said about the roast pig.
Finally the teacher said to the boy，“I thought your father was going to send me over some roast pig.”
"Yes，"said the boy，“He did intend to，but the pig got well.”
良好的心愿
一天有個男孩去對他老師說:“老師，我爸想知道你是不是愛吃烤豬肉�！�
“當(dāng)然口，”老師說，“去告訴你父親，多謝他想著我。”
好幾天過去了，男孩再沒提起烤豬肉的事兒。
最后老師對男孩說:“我以為你父親要給我送點烤豬肉來呢。”
“是啊，”孩子說，“他是這么想的'，可后來豬病好了。”
最爆笑的英語笑話2
A PresentKate:Mom, do you know what I"m going to give you for your birthday?
Mom:No, Honey, what?
Kate:A nice teapot.
Mom:But I"ve got a nice teapot.
Kate:No, you haven"t.I"ve just dropped it.
凱特的禮物
凱特：媽媽，你知道我要給你一件什么生日禮物嗎？
媽媽：不知道，寶貝，是什么呀？
凱特：一把漂亮的茶壺。
媽媽：可是我已經(jīng)有一把漂亮的茶壺了呀。
凱特：不，你沒有了。我剛剛把它給摔了。
最爆笑的英語笑話3
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells."What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down.First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot.Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"
兩個獵人在森林里打獵，突然一人暈倒了。他的呼吸停止，眼神呆滯。另外一個人掏出手機(jī)，撥打911。
“我想我的朋友死了！”他喊道，“我該怎么辦？”
接線員說：“請冷靜。首先，請確認(rèn)他是否真的死了。”接著一陣沉寂，然后是一聲槍響�；氐诫娫捴�，獵人接著說：“好了，然后呢？”
最爆笑的英語笑話4
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.
三只烏龜決定去喝咖啡。
Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
它們剛到咖啡店的門口，就下起雨來。
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go home and get the umbrella."
于是最大的那只烏龜對最小的烏龜說，“你回家去取傘吧�！�
The little turtle replied, "I will, if you don't drink my offee."
最小的烏龜說，“如果你們不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去。”
"We won't," the other two promised.
“我們不喝，”另外兩只烏龜答應(yīng)說。
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isn't coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee."
兩年后，大烏龜對中烏龜說，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回來了，我們可以把它的咖啡喝掉了�！�
Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I won't go."
正在這時，一個聲音從門外傳來，“你們要是喝了，我就不去�！�
最爆笑的英語笑話5
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sum of money was talking to his lawyer.
一個被告卷入了一樁牽涉大筆資金的訴訟案，他去找他的律師。
A:If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.
如果我輸了這場官司，我就完了。
B:It's in the judge's hand now.
這事掌握在法官的手上。
A:Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?
如果我給法官送一箱雪茄，會不會起點作用?
B:Oh.no !This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior.A turu like that would prejudice him against you.He might even hald you in contempt of coun.in fact.you shouldn't even smile ai the judge.
哦.不會的!這位法官很固執(zhí)，非常注意職業(yè)道德。這種花招只會讓他對你產(chǎn)生偏見，他甚至?xí)J(rèn)為你蔑視法庭。事實上，你甚至都不用對他微笑。
With in the course of time,the judge wndered a decision in favor of the defendant.As the defendanL leR the counhouae,
最后，法官作了一個有利于被告的判決，當(dāng)被告離開法院時。
A:Thanks for the tip about the cigars.It worked.
謝謝你關(guān)于雪茄的忠告，這很管用。
B:I'm sure we wodd have lost the caae if you'd sent them.
如果你送了的話，我肯定會輸?shù)暨@場官司。
A:But did send them.
但是我的確送了。
B:What? You did?
什么?你送了?
A:Yes.That's how we won the case.
對，這就是我們會贏這場官司的原因。
B:I don't understand.
我不明白。
A:It's easy.I sent the cigars to the judge,but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.
這很簡單，我把雪茄送到了法官那里，但是附上了原告的一張名片。
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